Wakefulness
by DenizenofTwilight
Summary: "Elena suddenly felt something from Damon then. She knew that he was indecisive about what he should tell her. Either he could reassure her, which she knew he actually wanted to, or he could continue to play the part that he thought he was playing."
1. Wakefulness

**Disclaimer:** I do NOT own _The Vampire Diaries _written by L.J. Smith. I am just exploring it for my and other fan's enjoyment. No Copyright Infringement intended.

**Wakefulness**

Elena stared out at the night sky. There were so many answers she needed. So many things she needed to figure out. So many things she needed. It felt as if all the answers could very well be written in the stars above her.

"You should sleep, Elena."

Elena smiled humorously at Damon. At one time she would have never pegged him for housing any sort of concern for anyone but himself. She did know differently, now. Still… "Call me crazy, Damon, but I don't necessarily want to do anything that would make my diary seem more accessible to you."

He grinned evilly which in turn made Elena roll her eyes. "I will see that diary, Elena. But… you really do need to get some sleep if you want to be at one hundred percent when we continue this absurd Stefan search."

She couldn't argue with that, but truth be told, she couldn't sleep. And since the experience was already doomed she figured she might as well get some of her answers. "You see that's what I don't get. It seems that you were nicer to Katherine than you are to me. At least that's what I've gathered from my Stefan's stories. What is it about me that makes you play this tough, emotionless guy?" In some ways Elena felt foolish asking. What was she hoping for? That she'd get an honest answer from Damon? Ha!

"You're more feisty than Katherine; you have a fire about you that girls in the time of Katherine's human life weren't supposed to have. This suits _us_ better, Elena. You suit me better. Admit it, you like it the way I act with you."

Elena had to bite down on her lip to keep from smiling. It seemed she constantly had to remind herself of her many ill feelings towards Damon lately. "I liked you better when you were nice."

"Don't you think I can act both ways? You like both parts, angel. My darkness reaches yours. We belong together, and you know it. You even acknowledged it when you woke up as a vampire."

Damon was trying to corner her, but Elena could play his game just as well. "So you admit you were nice then?"

"Are we done with the twenty questions? You need to sleep. As much as I'd love for Mutt to question what activities caused those bags to form under your eyes, I don't think now is the best time. Don't you want us all to band together when Shinichi and Misao strike back?"

Elena ignored most of Damon's words, but he did have a valid point about Matt being with them. "You're right. We need to stop talking; we don't want to make _Matt_."

"We wouldn't want that at all, would we?" Damon replied sarcastically.

The silence lasted for five minutes before Damon spoke again. "You _are_ my princess of darkness."

"I'm ignoring you now," Elena all but sang.

"Just because you ignore it doesn't mean it won't come to be."

Elena dejectedly ran her hands through her hair. There was no winning when it came to Damon. "Do you think it bothers Stefan to look at my face now that Katherine betrayed you both?" Truthfully, Elena had just wanted to change the subject. But this question had been gnawing at her.

"I don't claim to think like the self-righteous. Just save the question for him."

"What if I'm afraid of the answer?" Elena spoke mostly to herself.

Elena suddenly felt something from Damon then. She wasn't sure if it was a result of her Power or not, but she knew that he was indecisive about what he should tell her. Either he could reassure her, which she knew he actually wanted to, or he could continue to play the part that he thought he was playing. At last the Damon she'd only really seen once reappeared. "My little brother would be even less worthy of you if he let that bitch dictate his feelings for you."

Elena nodded her head; mainly she was trying to reassure herself. It didn't shock her at all when her long blond hair fell over her blue eyes as a result of her head movement. She was thankful for this curtain; she didn't want Damon to see this spectacle of her. "You're right. I know you're right. However, the only reason Stefan opened his heart up to me at first was because of my resemblance to Katherine. He's so good and I don't feel like I'm good enough for him."

She couldn't even find it in her to chastise herself for saying this; she was after all, sort of admitting that Damon was right about her. Was right about _them_. All Elena could handle was support right now, and oddly enough she needed it from Damon.

Damon looked at Elena squarely after he'd processed her words. She wondered if he was using some of his Power, for she immediately felt at ease. "Elena, I had loved Katherine too. But she is a mockery compared to who you are. If anything, I think Katherine's face would remind Stefan of you now. And he'd probably feel shame at what Katherine had been, how evil she is in comparison to your light."

She couldn't make sense of his words. Elena could never really make sense of Damon. "When she'd had us trapped, and was going to kill us. I thought you would have jumped at the opportunity when she offered to let you go if you killed me."

"I've known many a woman. Katherine wasn't worth the non-life she lived. When Stefan and I were first led here by Katherine, I think we both thought you existed to be with one of us in replace of the woman we'd truly loved. Now I see that Katherine only existed to lead us to you. Stefan must see that too."

This was _not_ Damon. Elena knew that. This was the _real_ Damon, the being in him that actually had a heart. This moment would slip all too quickly and Elena _needed_ him to know. "Damon, this is how you were in the time that Shinichi made you forget about. Do you believe me now? Do you believe you acted the way I said you were?"

Damon smirked challengingly and Elena knew without a doubt part of what she'd be writing in her diary later tonight, or tomorrow morning…

_Dear Diary, today I learned that when things are going your way that you should keep your mouth shut! And not disrupt the image!_

"I do believe you, precious Elena. I would feign anything to increase my chance of tasting those lovely lips of yours."

And they were back at square one. Elena sighed in frustration. "I wonder what would happen if I used my _Wings of Redemption_ on you again."

"It would probably fry my brains and wouldn't _that_ make things easier for you? Then you'd never have to ponder what the attraction you possess for me means."

It was strange. Part of Elena wanted to kick him, knowing that he was trying to trick her. (Truly, this would be hard to do in a car…) And part of her wanted to reach out to him. Reassure him how much he meant to her. Even if she didn't understand her need for him. Elena chose the first option.

"It's not fair trying to take advantage of a lady's kindness. Didn't they teach you that in fifteenth century Italy?"

"I wasn't, _Elena_. I was just voicing how heartbreaking it is for the only one in the world who understands you to wish you dead."

"Damon…" Once again she wasn't sure what to make of what he said. She remembered recently the annoyance she felt at Damon being the only guy she couldn't press the buttons of to make them do what she wanted. The annoyance seemed minor to her now. She just wished she knew where any of his buttons were!

"Don't think too much, Elena, do what comes naturally."

It was impossible not to notice just how the moonlight set off Damon's perfect features even more beautifully, or how close there faces were to each other now, or how sweet his breath smelt. But there was a difference between animalistic mating and human mating. And yes, she would admit to herself that if she and Damon were unfeeling animals they would have been together.

However, she _was_ a rational thinking creature, and that was why she loved Stefan. She told Damon just that.

"This is just not my night, is it?" I mean, first being stuck in a car in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night with a sleeping Mutt. And then this girl I irrationally care about refuses to sleep herself. So I can't even get the little sleep that I need, because I'm worried about her!"

"Damon, you and I both know that you wouldn't be sleeping if I was. As soon as I'd drifted under you'd be reading my diary."

"Who's to say I haven't read it already?"

Elena felt uneasy. She knew that what he was saying made no sense, but still… "No, you haven't. I've been keeping a watchful eye on it."

"I meant _you_, Elena. I have no interest in the thoughts you force yourself to think and put on paper, but the ones you have that you may not even realize. I can ferret them out through your eyes."

Impossibly, Damon was sitting even closer to her now. Elena's breath hitched. His eyes were just so hypnotic. "You're lying. If that were the truth you wouldn't want me to go to sleep. You're too selfish. You'd want to 'ferret out my secrets' as long as my human body could handle wakefulness.

"Perhaps you're right. I think I've rethought my position, perhaps you should try your _Wings of Redemption_ on me and see how close proximity affects it."

Against all logic Damon's lips were on Elena's then, and she didn't even fight him off. She kissed him back! Once again Damon had one, and Elena couldn't even care that she was supposed to care about that and didn't.

Then the most horrifying picture she'd ever witnessed flitted across her mind. One of Stefan looking at her more accusatory, and more pained than he had in her dream about her diary somehow hurting him. She hadn't seen him in so long. Just the thought of never seeing him again nearly destroyed her. It was with this that she found the strength to push Damon away. "I love Stefan," she said to him again. This time there was a fire about it. And she knew not even God or Satan could make her question it ever again.

Damon smiled, not even caring about what she'd said. He still thought he'd won. And truthfully he had. He hadn't won her heart, but her honor. She had betrayed Stefan, and nothing would ever make that right. She was tainted, if not in Stefan's eyes than her own. She wanted to cry, scream, hit something… The worst part was that Damon hadn't even used power on her! "You should sleep, Elena."

"I'm not sleeping." No, she wouldn't. The reason, however, was the same as before and yet different. Some of her questions finally received answers. Now she'd only be putting her thoughts into finding Stefan. It was something she should have been doing in the beginning. And now it would be the only thing she'd be doing until she found him.


	2. The Other Half

**Warning: This has not been read over by anyone. If you can't stand any grammatical mistakes I'd suggest coming back at a later time.**

**Disclaimer: I do **_**not **_**own **_**The Vampire Diaries**_**. But maybe I have a special connection to DeLena's mind set. I wrote this before **_**Shadow Souls **_**was out and predicted some of what happened. I even predicted something from the show… more on that later.**

**Wakefulness Part Two: The Other Half**

Elena balled her hands into fists as she willed her feet to move faster than they _already_ were. Upon seeing the car that she Damon… and Matt had been traveling in adrenaline quickly overtook her. Ever thankful that the door was already unlocked, Elena tore the driver's door open without even thinking that it might be Damon's seat of preference.

While in the driver's seat Elena reached over to the glove compartment in front of the passenger's seat and rummaged for her diary. She groaned when realizing this was harder and timelier than she had needed it to be. She wished she could just magically teleport to the passenger's seat or rip the armrest (a constant annoyance in this quest) to pieces. She didn't want to wait anymore!

She didn't want to wait for anything. She didn't want to wait on knowledge about Matt and Stefan; she didn't want to wait agonizing minutes without her two best friends Bonnie and Meredith. She didn't want to wait for normalcy. And writing in her diary was normalcy at its best for Elena.

The girl was so used to moving things in search of her diary that when she came across a cupped hand she tried to move it too. She didn't even realize it _was_ a hand.

"Elena…" His voice said softly and suddenly she could see clearly even through her tears.

When had she started crying? Upon noting her blurry vision she realized why searching for her diary had been so difficult. "Damon." Elena said. She acknowledged him as the voice's owner and the owner of the cupped hand that was offering her her diary.

So he _had _found a chance to read her diary. This thought reminded her of a night that seemed ages ago. She tried to hold onto that: she tried to embrace anger at him but all she could find was sorrow. "Elena," he tried again. The emotion in his voice also reminded her of that night and finally a smile graced her features.

It was just ironic. Ever since _that_ night she'd been running away from moments like these in Damon's company. She was almost eager for his darkness, arrogance and annoyance. She hadn't wanted to be tempted into betraying Stefan again. It'd been so much that the two hadn't even talked much after the strange night. Now she was more than grateful for his sympathy. It almost scared her how much she wished she could go back to the moment she and Damon had kissed. She didn't want to be facing this pain.

Elena ripped her diary out of Damon's hands and instantly opened it to the right page; being looked at constantly it had ended up dog-eared. The page was a map.

Things had seemed golden when Elena, Matt and Damon had found Stefan's location. In remembering what she could from the brief moment she was with Stefan in his prison, Elena had drawn out what she believed the layout of the place to be. Once again, it'd been a more complex version of her Plan A and Plan B. She'd made two strategies that they could try and use in retrieving Stefan successfully.

Things had gone from gold to gray quickly. A policeman had spotted Matt even before they'd found Stefan's location but the three had gotten away unscathed. However, the policeman had seemed to alert nearby cities that Matt was near; when they'd crossed over into one of the neighboring cities Matt had been taken into custody.

Elena severely hoped that her former friend, Caroline would burn in hell after this. She'd gone quite literally insane and when she'd become pregnant out of wedlock she'd used the opportunity to frame Matt and say he raped her. Elena hadn't wanted to leave Matt and had thought with her and Damon's Power that they could overthrow the cops and save him. To some of her dismay, Damon had promised to look out for her and that seemed to include protecting her from being labeled a freak show and/or thrown in prison for all of her life. Without Damon's consent to help, the plan had fallen apart rather quickly. In promising Matt and herself she'd free him after they got Stefan back with them, (as to help in the freeing of him) Elena had turned her back on Matt.

So she and Damon had gone to look for Stefan alone. Things had gone fine at first, but the two ended up sensing a kind of Power they'd never felt before. It almost made you feel agoraphobic and the surrounding darkness didn't do too much to dispel the feeling. It made you feel like you'd never leave it. Once they'd noted that, Damon had escaped with Elena as fast as he was able.

And here they were. Upon looking at her map, Elena couldn't figure what had gone wrong. They'd been all over the place and they still hadn't found Stefan! It only left one conclusion: Stefan wasn't there. They had been fooled somehow. Elena felt like she was slowly sinking into quicksand just at the thought of it. The world truly was swallowing her.

"Elena give me your diary." Damon said gently. It was only when he said this that she realized she'd been tearing at the pages. And suddenly she couldn't control herself; she began sobbing. _Damon_ reached over the armrest with no trouble and hugged Elena to him as he soothed her gently. "Shhh, it'll be alright. We'll save Matt and Stefan. I already have an idea on how to do so. Somehow, I think that it was Shinichi and Misao that arrested Matt. The whole event seemed weird to me. We just have to go back and confront them. We'll save Matt and this time they'll give you Stefan's real location."

Elena laughed slightly. His idea _did_ make sense, but it didn't seem like the best plan. Still, Damon was trying to sell it off as if it was, and Elena instantly knew why.

He was trying to give her hope again.

Suddenly, Elena knew she'd never loved Damon more than she did in that moment. She also knew she could no longer deny that she _did_ love him. "_Thank You_." She said blissfully as the scars in her heart started to become more bearable. "Do you think I could have my diary back?" Somehow he _had_ stolen it back during her fit. She was instantly glad that Damon had protected her from destroying her diary more thoroughly. Her diary connected so many things in her life and she wanted to keep it forever.

"I don't know if that's- I mean do you really want to destroy your life? I know that diary's a manifestation of your soul and…"

Elena was mesmerized that Damon had seemed to read her mind and that he was being so caring. "I won't destroy it. I just need to write."

Damon smiled as he pulled a book out from between the car seats. "I have a better solution. Write in mine, that way if you feel the urge to rip pages it'll be the diary pages of someone less meaningful."

"You write in a diary?" Elena couldn't even imagine it. Had he had it with him through everything or had he just recently bought it? She couldn't remember the transaction in any of the cities they'd been in."

Damon winced at her choice of words in mock-horror. "I'd say it's more of a journal."

"_Why_ do you write in it?" Elena couldn't help herself from asking the question. The whole thing just seemed like it would be so foreign to Damon.

"Sometimes I don't even understand myself, Elena. When I first saw you; you looked so much like Katherine. I needed an outlet to my thoughts."

"And after you realized I wasn't Katherine?" Elena knew that this question—whatever the answer may be—would add more fuel to a fire she really wished to extinguish, but she couldn't help her curiosity.

"I never kept a diary in my time with Katherine and I surely didn't stop writing in one when I realized you weren't her. I told you, Elena… she was only a tool meant to lead me to you."

Elena instantly took Damon in her arms again. "Keep talking. It's easier to believe my love is requited when you're like this."

Damon stirred uncomfortably in Elena's arms."I _do_ love you, Elena."

Elena had known this of course, but it was the first time he'd said it in so many words. "Thank you."

Upon noting her strange tone, Damon instantly knew that Elena was not speaking of feeling an unrequited love with _him_. "Basically you're saying that you just miss Stefan's presence and with it _his_ love. I'm just a nice substitute because I can remind you of him."

Though his words were true, Elena found she couldn't allow herself to hurt him. Damon had changed miraculously in some ways, but so had she. She found they were too much alike, that when she hurt him… she hurt herself. "Sometimes I wish you were nothing like him. It's painful. Especially when I'm not with him."

Damon ignored Elena's ill attempts at comfort, saying instead what he knew to be true and what he wished could change things in his favor," You know you love me too."

"Yes." Elena was past lying about her feelings. If it gave him some closure she figured it was worth it.

"I wish it was enough." That did it. Elena had never seen Damon so vulnerable before. She had wished for this moment as much as she had feared it, but now… Damon's defenses were a part of who he was, rather she liked it or not. For him to be without them meant that something must have truly been wrong.

"Why _do_ you love me?" Elena cried. For once her tears fell from her inner tear ducts rather than her outer ones. Elena rationalized she was crying for the other side now. The brother she'd never thought to search for before. The brother who made up the other half of the person she was. The part of her she realized she finally needed to explore.

"How can one define love? I can tell you why I wish you'd choose me. I've never held much love in my life. My father and Stefan most likely thought of me as a monster even before I literally became one. I hid behind that for so long that that's who I've become. We both heard Katherine say that she loved Stefan more than me. I was more of entertainment. So here I am, asking for something I always resented. Pity me, Elena. Pity me enough to show your love for me."

"You're not a monster, Damon. You're arrogant, deceiving, dark, and many other bad words I could spout out, but I know you're not a monster. You hide behind the illusion of one as an excuse to not have to deal with your emotions or anyone else's I noticed this mostly by the way Meredith doesn't like you. She doesn't see what I and even Bonnie see. You're a good actor, Damon. You've managed to fool your own brother, but you don't fool me. You want to know why you're a womanizer? You want to feel some sort of love; even if it's fake, but you've even conquered that bad habit. I was watching over you and Stefan while I was dead; I know that you were going after girls like me, but none replaced me for you.

"What I'm saying is you're not perfect but like everyone you have _good_ qualities. You're loyal, and fun, and honestly I think you care too much about what people think of you. You don't always want to have to prove yourself to them, so you make yourself intimidating. Deep down you're a million good things Damon and I see that.

Damon's eyes always resembled the sea, but Elena feared that they'd liquefy and pull him under: never letting go. For some reason she couldn't even explain to herself, she knew that she couldn't lose Damon in anyway. "You know when you say all of that I almost believe it. What does a vampire have to take to avoid being compelled by _humans_?" Damon chuckled.

Elena sighed. All to fast they'd reverted back to their usual kind of banter. "I'm speaking honestly, Damon." _And you don't know how to take it so you're turning it into a joke._ Elena thought to herself.

"It's hard for me to judge your accuracy when you're so comfortably curled around me."

Elena rolled her eyes, she knew that Damon was trying to provoke her and she could easily see past his ruse. "Maybe I like the feel of your body too. You can have it if you want."

"You think you're bluffing." Damon said the words as if he were a proud father talking to his toddler who'd just learned to walk.

"I don't know what to think anymore." Once again Elena realized that Damon was the only man she couldn't maneuver the way she wanted to. And she really couldn't deal with his mood swings.

"Sorry, Elena, but I won't accept the offer. I want you're soul too." Damon smiled evily.

"How could I forget that?" It was Elena's turn to play at mock-horror.

"Oh, and Elena…"

"Hmmm…" she said tiredly. She'd thought she'd been making some progress with Damon.

"All of the things you said about me is why I love you."

Suddenly he was vulnerable and legit Damon again. Elena gasped at the prospect and tried her best to grasp at the moment. "I don't under-"

"It's true that you are loyal, fun, and humorous. And you also seem to care about what people think of you. But you are arrogant, I bet even right now you're annoyed you can't read me as well ad you do others."

Elena went to say something, but was unable to in knowing how right he was.

"You're also impetuous too. Remember when you threw yourself of the roof? You make rash decisions, Elena." Elena shivered in remembering that moment. Not because of the fear of death that moment provided, but when Damon had saved her it had been the first moment that she'd felt anything for him.

"And you are good at deceiving, Elena. Right now you believe you're deceiving me into spilling my guts out but you are not. I'm willingly telling you these things. And I don't even have to explain how you're dark. Just in keeping up with me shows that quality about you.

"You know, you always had everything, Elena, but you didn't think you really fit in anywhere. Did you ever wonder if it was because you were meant to fit with me? Look at our similarities!"

"God, Damon! So much for making me feel good. What do you want? My blood, my body, my soul? Just take it then, but don't play me right now. I've been through enough lately."

"I've told you, Elena. I want your love. Stop lying to yourself. You deceive yourself more than anyone. So, once we rescue Stefan I want you to sit down and think of who you really want to be with."

"I'll try." Elena said helplessly.

It was with that that Damon kissed Elena again. It was so different than the last one though, as it was tender and loving. "Damon what was that-"

"Look at my diary, Elena."

Elena was slightly irritated in Damon side-stepping her question, but curiously she did as he said. "You pre-planned everything you said to me tonight?" Elena tried to hide the pain in her voice, but it was in vain. But at the same time she was impressed. She'd be lying if she said she didn't enjoy his exploits. It was like he had said; she could usually predict traits about anyone. But Damon was an anomaly. Damon was like a good mystery and he'd entranced her into his pages perfectly tonight.

"No. I'd always wanted to say these things to you, but more than that I wanted to distract you. And for the most part I think I did a good job. No more diaries were harmed in my plan, anyway."

"Damon, thank you." Elena was truly touched. He'd let her in, he'd saved the manifestation of her soul, and tonight he'd saved her. She didn't want to think what condition she might have ended up in if Damon hadn't been able to keep her grounded.

Damon pressed a finger to Elena's lips and smiled slightly. "But despite my best efforts, I know you're still in pain. I'm going to use my power to make you forget what happened with Matt and Stefan. When I'm done using my power you'll simply believe that Shinichi and Misao kidnapped Matt and moved Stefan to a new location. Mostly it's the truth. You'll be in a fury to locate them all, but I'd rather be faced with that than your sorrow. I don't want you to lose hope, Elena. I love you for that as much as anything else."

"Damon why did you allow this moment between us if you were just going to erase it?" Elena knew that swaying Damon from such an important decision would be impossible, and even if she forgot knowing why he'd acted the way he did she wanted to know _now_.

"Because it's a nice memory. Even if you lose it, I'll still have it. And honestly, I wasn't ready to tell you all of this, Elena. I realize that now."

Damon moved to remove Elena's necklace of Vervain and she allowed it feeling resigned and slightly sad. Her blond hair hung over her lapis lazuli colored eyes like a curtain.

"This memory will only be forgotten, Damon, not lost. And I know deep down I'll either be trying to locate this memory or allow you to have it with me again."

"I will tell you all of these things someday, Elena." Damon smiled beautifully and Elena knew the promise of someday would have to be enough. They had, after all, made more progress than she'd ever dreamed of on this night.

"So this time _I'm_ forgetting that you were nice."

Damon didn't even combat her words: that he'd been nice before this, before the night they'd kissed. "Forgotten but not lost." He smiled approvingly at her and whilst somewhat quoting her, Elena couldn't help but return the smile he'd given.

"Happy Valentine's Day." Damon said as an afterthought.

Elena absentmindedly looked into the night sky after Damon had spoken up. Upon seeing a billboard confirming it she realized it _was_ Valentine's Day. She'd completely forgotten. And despite everything that had happened Damon _had_ made it into a good Valentine's Day. "Happy Valentine's Day." Elena answered back. And then her memory of the day was gone.

Maybe someday when Damon kept his promise they could move forward again. And maybe they could find solace and love with each other. And maybe then, a half of her she'd have to _re_discover would finally find a happiness that had always seemed lost to her. Maybe someday…

**Author's Note Deux: Yep. This was written the Valentine's Day right before **_**Shadow Souls**_** was released. And I'm so shocked at how much I predicted! And I was even more blown away on the show when Damon made Elena forget about their moment too. I was like, "That's my story!" So tell me what you think. I think I'll write a final part to this. It'll probably be my ideas on **_**Midnight**_** (maybe it's a good thing the release date got delayed). Human Damon… that'll be interesting to write! **


End file.
